Thursday, February 19, 2009

Zed and Frank [Take Two]

"Erudite is a word that that is only used by those who meet its definition," Zed said to Frank frankly.

"Ah, so you're trying to communicate that you're scholarly? What hubris!" Frank replied.

"No, I was only using the word as a noun not as an adjective."

"You have to qualify your previous statement? That hardly makes you seem witty."

"And now you're the one who's trying to sound ostentatious!"

"Another great example of a word used by only those whom meet its criterion," Frank said to pave the way to silence; "Thinking of what to say next?"

Actually Zed was busy considering if humans could utilize a numerical language under which they could express all thoughts and emotions; a method of communication similar to ordering off a Chinese menu. Because mathematics spans all languages and cultures, he felt it would be the most logical way to speak. A typical conversation, Zed thought, would go like:

Person A: "23,444?"

Person B: "19?"

Person A: "23,444?"

Person B: "Oh. 118."

Person A: "2."

[Then Person A would bring a bowl of Mongolian Beef to the table.]

Even the entire works of Shakespeare, Zed felt, could be numerically categorized, quantified and published:

'The Unabridged Collection of Works by William Shakespeare = 5,331,090,185,433,028'

Critics would rave:

"233,997,420! -The 827,222,291

"92,113. 348,942. -Steven Davis

"19? - Timmy Armstrong, 4 years old"

Using this language, even a room full of monkeys could compose the entire works of Shakespeare, of Chaucer, of Wordsworth, of the Shelleys...

"You know, if we would have called to see if the drugstore was open, we wouldn't have come," said Frank.


"What does that mean?"



"Exactly. Never mind. Why should we have called?"

"Because it's closed!" Zed looked up to see that the drugstore was indeed closed. The two had decided that a trip to there was something with which they could pass their time.

"Well, we've successfully managed to pass our time. I thought drugstores were supposed to be open 24 hours," Zed didn't care much, he was preoccupied mentally counting the number of people who had most likely sworn under their breath at him on his morning commute to work. The number, he calculated, was slightly less than the sum of people who had sworn above their breath. "I have to get to work early tomorrow anyway, let's go." Zed worked as an accountant. This is not a shocking bit of information to anyone who meets Zed. He lived with the calculated type of austerity that would evoke comparisons to Stoicism; however, more than that, Zed tried to live with practicality and insouciance. What does insouciance mean? Who the hell cares if you understand it or not? Zed doesn't care.

"I don't care," Frank said insouciantly, "whatever you say." Frank typically gave in because it was the easy thing to do. Zed started enough debates to make Frank realize that only a fool would ask for more. Although Zed considered him a basket case, Frank was anything but a fool. He had graduated near the top of his class from a first tier University and he was chosen to give an uplifting commencement speech that was widely regarded by attendees as: 'prosaic' and 'drab'.

"Blah," Zed said for seemingly no reason, "Let's go." And go they let.


Anonymous said...

212,231,129, 32 2311 chicken noodle soup!

I like Timmy Armstrong... do you think you would have chosen the last name 'Armstrong' if not for Lance Armstrong being famous? Or did you base it off Neil? Or Neil's brother, Bill?

I think I'm confused, but the "meets its definition", "go they let" and one other part don't appear to be typos, but seem to have a point.. am I missing something ?

Nice scooter tag, was that for Timmy?

Wolffystyle said...

Wait, really? You're confused by those statements?

"meets its definition' means that only someone who is the definition of the word erudite would actually use the word, except for me.

"go they let", giving me a little room for creative leeway, is my way of saying "they left". It is derived from the previous statement: "Let us go".

I don't know why I chose Armstrong. It surely wasn't because of Lance Armstrong. Every time I think of the name Lance, I think of the happy N'Sync member Lance Bass. I honestly thing I was chose it because Stretch Armstrong was in my head.

Anonymous said...

You guys are mentally handicapped. You do not know who I am. I am currently looking at one of you through an open window while you are sleeping. Could I be up in a tree or crawling down low on a sidewalk? Rough night last night huh.