Friday, October 26, 2012

The Dejected First Base Coach.

The Dejected First Base Coach.
a short story written to use my different written expressions chronologically from maybe around fourth grade through the present.
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The first base coach saw the ball hit high into the sky.  The farther away the ball got, the smaller the ball appeared.  The lights above the stadium blinded the first base coach, who was coaching in his first World Series ever.

As the ball descended, the coach began to get nervous.  “It is coming down on the infield,” He thought.  Then he noticed it was coming down toward him and toward first base. 

The first base coach suddenly moved without thought. It was as if his body was a mechanical robot. Within mere moments, he found himself punching the first baseman on the field. He didn’t know what came over him, but he now knew that guilt was coming over him.

The crowd may have increased in volume, but the first base coach wouldn’t have heard them.  His ears were ringing and his sight was getting hazy.  His eyes tried to focus on anything when they finally landed on blurry white object.

As his senses began to amalgamate into focus, the first base coach was amazed to see that he was staring at the baseball on the infield.  His mind then synergized focus with his other senses and he slowly realized the implications of what he had just done.

Though those implications had already begun to encircle him, the first base coach had difficulty in understanding what he had just done; and why he had just done it. “Had I punched the first baseman before he caught the final out to try to keep the game alive?” he conjectured.

A conjecture is a proposition that is unproven. Karl Popper pioneered the use of the term "conjecture" in scientific philosophy.[1] Conjecture is contrasted by hypothesis (hence theory, axiom, principle), which is a testable statement based on accepted grounds.

so teh conclusion to this story is gonna be tht he punched the 1st baseman cuz he didnt want the world series to be over and he couldnt see the final out caught. (EVEN THOUGH THE BATTER WUS already OUT CUZ F THE INFIELD FLY RULE..WTF)

While security dragged him away, the crowd threw their trash in his direction.  Hapless and weak, the first base coach would have fit right into a frame in an animated strip.  ‘The dejected man lies on the field along with other trash’ narration would read.

If they knew.  If anybody knew.                   the troubles

            he had seen.                                    the failures

            he had seen.                                    the loss

            he had seen.                       
            
If they knew. If anybody knew.                                                    
                                                                  they would know defeat.


Life is ball. But not one you dance at.  You can’t see any more loss when you have already seen it all.

The first base coach saw the ball hit high into the sky.  The farther away the ball got, the smaller the ball appeared.  The lights above the stadium blinded the first base coach, who was coaching in his last World Series ever.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

[Chronicles] If I had $1,000,000.00 dollars

Here is an old entry written in High School (2002) [From the Chronicles] after I got in trouble for buying candy bars at box stores and reselling them to my classmates for profit:

The Barenaked Ladies song "If I Had a Million Dollars" preaches poor financial planning. One Million certainly isn't a lot any more and purchasing all those needless items is not very provident.  I keep trying to make $1,000,000.00 but it's difficult given my lack of support. I was trying to sell M&M candy packets for profit in High School to raise money for, well, myself.  But I got a suspension. Apparently my High School doesn't award entrepreneurial interests and, in fact, disincentivizes them. I wonder where my class will be at our 10th year reunion? I hope somewhere nice like a ballroom or a pond. I would hate to have an accidental reunion at the soup kitchen we all find ourselves at after years of negative Pavlovian repercussions from trying to make money.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

HUNGRY AS A WOLFF COOKBOOK: SPAGHETTI

HUNGRY AS A WOLFF COOKBOOK: SPAGHETTI: Don Wolff Boil water Add spaghetti to boiling water Cook spaghetti till done In separate pot, heat a jar of Ragu When spaghetti is don...

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Ecuadorians found to be the world's best at doing Ecuadorian things.

Recent reports out of Quito, capital of a tiny South American country notable for being located on the equator, have concluded that, as a whole, Ecuadorian people are, generally, very talented at doing most things considered to be innately Ecuadorian. Reports show that while no one particular Ecuadorian is the best at doing any one single Ecuadorian thing, the country as a whole is generally the best at things like singing the Ecuadorian national anthem. "Among other things that Ecuadorian people are a little better at doing than anyone else in the world are making traditional Ecuadorian food, driving on Ecuadorian roads, and sleeping with Ecuadorian women, although they're losing ground on that last one to the Italians" Clemson Cultural Anthropologist and amateur photographer Stephen R. Peckham stated. He continued, however, by saying that, "they're not too good at much else, like moving their economy, playing soccer or at paying attention to the "Por favor, no molesten" sign on my hotel room door."

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Windy City Quartet at Mammoth Cave –Sold Out Show- Part 3

The Grand Ave Tour had been an impressive few hours of sights, spectacles and sounds, but the closer we drew to the main event the emptier my stomach felt.

My three friends, Ben, Bocheng, and Mikey, and I were scheduled to perform an underground performance as a quartet in front of the 80 others in our tour group. The only reason this was considered underground by any measure was that we were, in fact, a couple of hundred feet under the ground in Mammoth Caves. The forthcoming show had all the elements of being a wondrous one. The setting was perfect, the audience was large and excited, the promoter, our tour guide, was setting the stage. The sole problem lay in the small fact that not one of the four of the performers knew how to sing a note.

As a result of that and the fact that no two of us knew the lyrics to the same song, we figured that the performance couldn't be pretty. Yet, we were continually reminded of how pretty it should be every 15 of the following minutes as the tour guide would promote the upcoming show.

"I know this part of the cave is difficult to climb, folks, but we have quite a surprise for you later in the tour," he winked in our direction. We didn't wink, we just cleared our throats.

Our discomfort was tangible. I could see it exude from the others and I'm positive they could see it from me. To describe the looming performance as fear-inducing would be to fall just short. We were ascending a giant roller coaster as we climbed up through the cave. Ahead lie what promised to be a steep and very fast drop.

Our fear of follow-through was only amplified by our tour guide's continual reminder of the upcoming surprise as to be the consolation or even the purpose of the lengthy battle against these miles of caverns. Never in my life, even when it was due to me, had my actions ever been promoted this frequently and enthusiastically. 'Why should it now?' I asked apostrophically.

"What did we get ourselves into?" Mike asked the rest of us, "Are we going to sing?" Each of us individually had great hesitation, but together, as a whole, we just couldn't decide NOT to do it. So, forward we went as the last hour of the journey melted into a prolonged amalgam of angst and impatience. Here we were in the most carefully carved cavern system with both backbone and epochs of persistence and we trembled with restless steps. Upon walking into the next room it was clear to see why; our feelings had been given measurable weight.

"Here we have what is called the New York Hippodrome" the tour guide bellowed to the lot of us, "This is one of the largest rooms in all the caverns. It is 250 feet in width, 300 feet in length and 85 feet high. The sound here is wonderful enough, with natural acoustics, that cave owner George Morrison would have opera performances in this room for visitors from the east coast. Thousands would come from afar to watch performances in this room by some of the greatest voices of the day. You, my guests, have the same delight."

He looked over toward us, "Are you gentlemen ready?"

To see the response of us and our audience follow this blog or catch up a couple of days when I post the last part of this steamy memoir.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Windy city Quartet at Mammoth Cave -Sold Out Show- Part 2

We descended Mammoth Caves with eighty others in the tour group and despite the presence of all the humanity it was an awesome sight. We were dwarfed by the massive creation 10 million years in the making. Together we learned of this lengthy history, the patience of its formation and the odd fact that there were, indeed, no actual mammoths roaming the depths of the cave.

The strange and various rock formations did yield a good tour and a number of interesting facts. It was when we arrived to a section of the cave noted for its acoustic sharpness that this story, itself, becomes as intriguing as the cave.

"Here," the young tour guide spoke in fitting drawl, "is a beautiful point in the cave which highlights wonderful acoustics. Does anyone care to sing and demonstrate?" Of all the people listening, not one dared to volunteer to sing in front of the rest. "Well, I'm not going to sing either. I sound like a hound dog," the tour guide spoke as we laughed.

Of course though none had volunteered to sing in front of the rest, no shortage of the group hesitated to sing aloud as they walked by this point. This included the four of us as we walked. Each of us stopped and sang a short diddy. I danced too, but acoustics couldn't help me there. We heard the echos ring.

"La La Laaaaa," Ben (I don't know if I can use the word) sang in baritone.

"Oh! Do you gentlemen sing?" the park ranger tailing the group asked us from the rear.

"Uhhhh...." Mike hesitated as I interjected,

"Yes. Yes, we're actually a barbershop quartet!" we laughed.

"Why, that's great news. Nice to meet you," she excitedly said, "I'll be sure to let the guide know on our next stop."

We undulated, all of us afloat upon this little bit of fiction. Wavering, but without words, we collectively decided to tread ahead and go with the flow.

At lunch we ate sandwiches that had been carted down in the only elevator shaft constructed in the the cave system. We were enjoying our ham and cheese when the tour guide approached us,"I've been told that you gentlemen are musicians?"

Because it couldn't be farther from the truth, I spoke up to correct him, "Well, we're just a quartet."

"Golly! And where are you from?" he inquired.

"We're from Chicago," Ben answered and from there we just let the guide do his job lead us ahead into a false story.

"And when you perform in Chicago, do you go by any name?"

"Yes, we're called the Windy City Quartet."

"It would be a great honor if we could have the Windy City Quartet perform for us in the caves, wouldn't it?" He asked.

Going with the flow? I thought. "Right, It would be our honor, we'd love to."

"Wonderful, I'll let you know when we're ready."

Again, Ben looked at Mike and Mike looked at me and I looked at Bocheng and Bocheng looked at Ben. Collectively we gulped, pulled our collar from our neck, shrugged, and moved on with the tour not knowing what to expect.

And neither do you know what to expect! Keep posted, or follow this blog to find what happens in part 3 of this mammoth tale.

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Windy City Quartet at Mammoth Cave –Sold Out Show- Part 1

The four of us arrived at Mammoth Caves on a Friday.  The air was chipper and the wind cut through our jackets.  Though it was November, it was the beginning of the month, and something about heading in the direction of south gave us a deceptive sense of warmth.  We hadn’t prepared for the late Kentucky autumn.  Yet below ground, under our parked car, lay the longest cave system in the word where the temperature, regardless of time of day, season of the year or of the year itself was always a consistent 54°. 

We reared to get below the damp and chilly ground and into the damp and chilly caverns.  Ben, Mike, Bocheng and I had signed up for two different tours. We would save the lantern tour for the second day as we figured to begin our exploration of the National Park/World Heritage Site with a lengthy and general historical tour with a large tour group.

We pushed into one of the two buses that took us to a manmade entrance. Our tour guide, a young college student from nearby Bowling Green gave us a bit of information about the tour in a southern drawl.

“While we hope to have a light and cheery tour, I am obliged to remind you of the precautions we must take to ensure the safety, welfare and satisfaction of everyone else on the tour,” Bocheng looked at Michael and Michael looked at Ben and Ben looked at me and together we all smirked. “We’ve merged two tours together today, and due to the large size of our tour group, we have to be especially courteous to others and respectful to the cave. I hope you can manage this.”

We hoped so too.  Stay tuned for part two of this tale where we find out if the four of us were able to manage courteously and respect.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

It’s Christmastime in the City

Once again we’re blessed with the warmth of friends and family to keep us kindled  in, these, the coldest and darkest of days.  I’ve returned for the evening from a great show played by my friends Treaty of Paris at the Double Door in Chicago.  To be with close ones is to find comfort amid this uncomfortable season.

At times, Chicago slaps its residents with a wintery sting.  Yet, there is a reason that they all remain.  Nothing compares to this area’s streets full of festive decoration, Yuletide song, rosy reunion and cheery spirits.  I’ve spent holidays around the globe; from China to France to Los Angeles to Spain and back.  I very truly doubt that any place, despite its othertime beauty can ever compare to the Christmastime of Home.

Here’s to everyone I’ve seen and to those I’ve missed.  Happy Holidays to you all and take great care in the coming weeks.

Ho Ho Ho!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I'm spent like a ... [insert witty simile here]

Sitting in bed, exhausted from a tiring week, I spoke aloud to myself; "Well, I'm spent like a nickel at at a candy store." I don't know where this simile came from, I was perplexed. Did I just make that up?' I asked myself. So I got up and explored google. The following is a list of similes that I found regarding how spent someone is:

I'm spent. Like a coupon at a discount grocery store. On triple coupon days.

Without the vibe, I'm spent, like a light paycheck; like a rent past due…I’m just not there!

I'm spent like a roll of quarters at a laundromat where the machines are all really large magnets that suck the change out of your pockets

I’m spent, like a worn single taka bill- limp, deteriorating and torn from age.

I'm spent like a dollar in a dollar store.

I'm spent. Like a fiver thrust into a stripper's G-String.


I'm spent like a deflated balloon

I'm spent like a dollar at the fair.

I'm spent like a dirty dollar bill.

I'm spent like a Lincoln cent. (Hey, it rhymes!)

I'm spent like a SSI check on bingo night!

And I'm spent like a dollar. alright, good effort.

I'm spent like a used condom. (click link to read graphic description.)

I'm spent like a two dollar bill when I step out of my car onto the wet grass. (I don't know if the latter half about the grass is part of the simile, but I can imagine that stepping on to wet grass induces thoughts of spending all available two dollar bills.)

i'm spent like a dime right about now trying to get the last pan of chili heated for the hot dogs for the evening students (again, I'm not sure that the pan of chili bit is intended to be part of the simile, but I'd bet that a dime who is frantically preparing the chili dogs would be pretty spent!)

I'm spent like a heroine in a cheap romance novel

i'm spent like a mofo after a long night


I'm spent like a silver dollar, HOLLERRR!!


I'm spent like a coupon at a discount grocery store.

I'm spent like a 2 dollar whore

I'm spent like a 2 dollar bill in a titty bar

I particularly am interested in this poem, entitled "I'm Spent" by April L. Mahoney who writes;

I'm spent
"Like my favorite wool jacket rolled up into lint
Like a spouse acting like a pimp
Like that clown that can't take a hint
Butane lighter with no flint"

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Did I Feed Cat?

I received a what-I-thought-to-be SPAM email in my inbox this morning whose subject line read: Did you feed cat? from a concerned emailer, Scoh Gowj.

Dismissing it as irrelevant, I sent the message to my trash. However, the more I thought about it, the more I began to question whether or not I actually fed cat. I mean, I woke up this morning, as was tradition, to my alarm. I mechanically walked to the bathroom and, like any agent of monotony, I showered, brushed my teeth and clothed. But did I actually feed cat? I can't recall. Moving along my morning routine with the gears and sprockets of habit, I realized that I couldn't recall If I fed cat or not.

Well, obviously, I don't own a cat. That's sure as rain in May. But what if the only reason that I don't own a cat is because I did not feed said cat? I am haunted that this may be a probable scenario.

I can't help worrying; tormenting my mind over the doubt I have about feeding cat. Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that I didn't feed cat. I am perturbed. I picture a sad cat out there who is horribly hungry. I picture this same cat forced into unhealthy environments and dangerous situations simply because of my recklessness and due to no fault of its own. Did I feed cat? I don't know, and I am scared!

Friday, May 22, 2009

My Hallway Adventure

The tunnel that leads to the hallway under my building at work is currently under renovation. As a result, there are hanging wires from the ceiling and scrap metal along the floor.

As I was walking through the seemingly empty hallway, I pretended to be Indiana Jones circa the "Golden Idol" scene at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I craftily navigated my way through the obstacles in the hallway. I scooted around items on the floor and swiftly ducked under hanging wires above. Just as I managed a nearly impossible maneuver of jumping over a two by four leaning up against the wall I noticed an entire classroom of employees training in our computer lab at the end of the hallway.

Yes, they all noticed me. It was at that moment that I completed my best feat... the narrow escape of embarrassment through a trick I learned from years of being so cavalier. I shrugged my shoulders, smiled, titled my head and ran up the stairs.

Phew! That was close...

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Zed and Frank [Take Two]

"Erudite is a word that that is only used by those who meet its definition," Zed said to Frank frankly.

"Ah, so you're trying to communicate that you're scholarly? What hubris!" Frank replied.

"No, I was only using the word as a noun not as an adjective."

"You have to qualify your previous statement? That hardly makes you seem witty."

"And now you're the one who's trying to sound ostentatious!"

"Another great example of a word used by only those whom meet its criterion," Frank said to pave the way to silence; "Thinking of what to say next?"

Actually Zed was busy considering if humans could utilize a numerical language under which they could express all thoughts and emotions; a method of communication similar to ordering off a Chinese menu. Because mathematics spans all languages and cultures, he felt it would be the most logical way to speak. A typical conversation, Zed thought, would go like:

Person A: "23,444?"

Person B: "19?"

Person A: "23,444?"

Person B: "Oh. 118."

Person A: "2."

[Then Person A would bring a bowl of Mongolian Beef to the table.]

Even the entire works of Shakespeare, Zed felt, could be numerically categorized, quantified and published:

'The Unabridged Collection of Works by William Shakespeare = 5,331,090,185,433,028'

Critics would rave:

"233,997,420! -The 827,222,291

"92,113. 348,942. -Steven Davis

"19? - Timmy Armstrong, 4 years old"

Using this language, even a room full of monkeys could compose the entire works of Shakespeare, of Chaucer, of Wordsworth, of the Shelleys...


"You know, if we would have called to see if the drugstore was open, we wouldn't have come," said Frank.

"19?"

"What does that mean?"

"What."

"What?"

"Exactly. Never mind. Why should we have called?"

"Because it's closed!" Zed looked up to see that the drugstore was indeed closed. The two had decided that a trip to there was something with which they could pass their time.

"Well, we've successfully managed to pass our time. I thought drugstores were supposed to be open 24 hours," Zed didn't care much, he was preoccupied mentally counting the number of people who had most likely sworn under their breath at him on his morning commute to work. The number, he calculated, was slightly less than the sum of people who had sworn above their breath. "I have to get to work early tomorrow anyway, let's go." Zed worked as an accountant. This is not a shocking bit of information to anyone who meets Zed. He lived with the calculated type of austerity that would evoke comparisons to Stoicism; however, more than that, Zed tried to live with practicality and insouciance. What does insouciance mean? Who the hell cares if you understand it or not? Zed doesn't care.

"I don't care," Frank said insouciantly, "whatever you say." Frank typically gave in because it was the easy thing to do. Zed started enough debates to make Frank realize that only a fool would ask for more. Although Zed considered him a basket case, Frank was anything but a fool. He had graduated near the top of his class from a first tier University and he was chosen to give an uplifting commencement speech that was widely regarded by attendees as: 'prosaic' and 'drab'.

"Blah," Zed said for seemingly no reason, "Let's go." And go they let.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Zed and Frank [Take One]

"...and second of all, it's been thoroughly proven and widely understood that, collectively, humans are tremendously inefficient. The study, itself, that concluded this fact took six years and $2.4M to complete. There are more than 6,900 languages spoken or signed on the planet and the laws change whenever you take a step. It takes mail several days to reach its location and dolphins get caught in our shipping nets," Zed informed Frank.

The 2009th Gregorian calendar year after the beginning of the Common Era was 47 days old and depending on where someone was on the planet, the 48th day was a certain percent complete. Less specifically, it was a Tuesday. Zed hated Tuesdays.

"I love Tuesdays! Monday is now as far away as possible!" Frank said.

"You're an imbecile," Zed issued. It wasn't that Zed was a dark person, he just took on an opposing view on certain topics.

"It's not that I'm a dark person," Zed said, "it's just that I take an opposing viewpoint on certain topics."

"If by 'certain', you mean, 'all', then yes, I agree," said Frank.

There was nothing Frank and Zed could look at in similar ways. To Frank, the panoramic coastline and shore were of a picturesque, ethereal beauty that only God himself could have created. To Zed, the billions of granules of sand became billions of tiny threats against the comfort inside of his bathing suit. There were many adjectives to describe Zed, but Frank specifically liked to use the word cynical.

“I’m not a Cynic, I’m a scientific realist,” his response was as cliché as they came, well, it was more of a proverbial chestnut from the scientific realist's handbook than anything.
He actually carried around a handbook. Truth was that Zed was more defined by the Stoic school of thought that of the Cynics and he was less of a scientific realist than simply a mere pessimist.

From Zed’s perspective, Frank was a nut job.
That didn’t inhibit the growth of their friendship however, it became completely necessary to use the manure he spat out to fertilize the mind.

It takes twice as many muscles to frown than it does to smile, were you aware of that?
You should smile more often,” Frank enthusiastically told Zed.


“Actually, and the only reason I know this is because I specifically looked it up to prove you wrong, it only takes 11 relevant muscles to frown while it takes 12 to smile.” This was on page 12 of the 'Scientific Realist's Handbook'.

Why would you say that?

“Because it’s true. It’s a scientific fact.”

It’s bullshit.

“It’s true.”

Truth and bullshit are hardly mutually exclusive,” Frank concluded.

Zed smiled. He’d gladly move an extra muscle if it meant getting a rise from Frank. He was even sure that despite his incessant babbling and emotional broadsides, Frank enjoyed their arguments too. While there was little reason to their friendship, it was comfortable, and neither had to go out of their way too much to make it work. In truth, there needn’t really be any other foundation other than that they both liked cottage cheese. They each hated cottage cheese, but it would have been a great foundation upon which their friendship could have been built. Where it stood at this moment was somewhere upon a hard and uneven sidewalk outside a drugstore.

-----------------

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For Goofus and Gallant, please subscribe to Highlights Magazine.

Melvin and Jenkins: see Mad Magazine.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Man arrested with rifle said he had delivery for Obama

The following is a recent email string from my friends in response to this CNN story:

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Police arrested a man near the U.S. Capitol on Tuesday after he drove up to one of the building's barricades with a rifle in his vehicle and told officers that he had a delivery for President Obama, a Senate spokesman said.

Sgt. Kimberly Schneider identified the man as Alfred Brock, 64, of Winnfield, Louisiana. She said Brock was charged with possession of an unregistered firearm and unregistered ammunition.

Brock drove up to the north barricade at the Capitol late Tuesday afternoon, saying he had a delivery for the president, Schneider said.

After further questioning, he admitted he had a rifle in his truck. He was arrested and taken to police headquarters for processing, she said.

A search of his truck turned up several rounds of ammunition, Schneider said. Police also checked the area around the barricade, but found nothing hazardous.

Threats against Obama have led to arrests in previous cases.

In one, federal prosecutors concluded that three people arrested with drugs and weapons in a suburban Denver, Colorado, motel posed a "true threat" to Obama during the Democratic National Convention.

In the second, a Florida man was charged with threatening bodily harm against the then-candidate in August. He has pleaded not guilty.

------------------------

Friend A:

Love the foresight that was going on here.

Guard: "Sir, you can't just drive in the Capitol."
Suspect: "No, it's ok. I have a delivery for the president."
Guard: "Really? What is it?"
Suspect: "Um...definitely not a rifle."
Guard: "Sir, step out of the car."
Suspect: "Did not see that coming."

Friend B:

maybe it was a chocolate rifle, it is valentines day weekend after all...

Friend C:

I’m still confused why they didn’t let him in…just because the rifle and ammo weren’t registered? Seems awfully harsh – especially given how important his delivery must have been if it was for the president. What if he was trying to deliver the stimulus bill? I’ll bet that’s what it was. Those guards probably just hurt our economy even more by delaying the stimulus release. Hopefully the damages get taken from their paychecks…
--------------------------

I love these guys,

Wolff

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Salta Snowfall

The following is a true story. It has not been hyperbolized or edited. In fact, it is taken WORD for WORD out of my hand-written journal mere days after the events occurred in January, 2004. This is the closest that I have ever come to death. This is a long story of my adventure over Abra Acay, but, in my humble opinion, definitely worth the read. My parents have only heard the abridged version of what happened, and with reason too, they would have pulled me home from Argentina if they only knew... at the risk of death by the hands of my mother, indulge.

------------------------------------
The day began later than we had expected, but earlier than our exhausted bodies could get out of bed. Our only goal wasnt to shower but rather to make it to a rent-a-car agency and try to begin a three day rental so we could explore the postcard shots of Salta and Jujuy at our own pace and exposure. Little were we to know what exposure we would have. Like any summer day in northwest Argentina, it was hot.

Think we should wear shoes? Ben asked, looking at our sandaled feet.

Yeah, youre right, I said, We just might have to walk a bit.

After calculating the prices, it was apparent that wed be saving money, while listening to music and being more comfortable at the same time in a rent-a-car. So, with no particular place to go, we headed towards the town center and by great luck found ourselves surrounded by rental car agencies with no less than three choices. Sudamerics and their friendly services struck Ben and within thirty minutes, we had ourselves a small silver Fiat, who we later called Arla. We filled Arla up and hit route 51 rolling, listening to music, with the windows down and basically just having a grandeur time.




I proclaimed; Im shocked that Fiat hasnt used the slogan, Just fiat that youll have an awesome time in a Fiat, meaning, hey look at the fun we were having, twisting around turns in a full tank of gas, its pretty much given that Arla will supply us with our fun. We smiled as we continued on. The first photo-op came when the pavement turned into a dirt road hugging the walls of a green mountain valley and Arla, at that point just our trusty Fiat, drove through a trickling stream. There, we took a picture of Ben behind the wheel rocking it in his Punta del Este t-shirt and Billabong board shorts. Clearly this road was everything a sunny day in California could throw at us.


Although as we traveled through the valley, the sun began to disappear behind the clouds, we were still supplied with awesome views of the, what seemed to be, painted canyon.




Zig zagging over the river Toro, the weather grew disappointingly cooler.





I followed along on the map both our route and our elevation. Arla had successfully managed to climb from 1,200 meter to 3,800 meters above sea level as we pulled into San Antonio de los Cobres, our destination.





It was roughly 3:30 and we hadnt eaten since the jamon crucido that morning. Ben drove around looking for somewhere to eat in this ghostly old mining town. If there was anyone else around, they were hidden from us. But that only seemed easy in this barren valley by the rows of identical homes constructed by the old mining company. Aged signs pointed us in the direction of El Rancho, a small corner building facing the dirt road we came in on above. It appeared closed as everything else, but out of starvation I knocked and a child popped out of the room in back and came to the door waiting for his mother to open it.

Are you serving food? Katie asked knowing from these valleys that it was all too possible that they werent.

Yes. Come in. They were excited to have guests and told us the two items on the verbal menu. Two of their six children, Milton and Ronaldo, thrived on our attention. They got tourists around every once in a while, but never American tourists. Where did we come from? Where were we going? We really should stay in San Antonio de los Cobres for the night; they could lodge us for much cheaper than the $3.50 we were paying for a night in Salta, it would be safer too. Were we going to the famous viaduct? Yes, we were. Wed enjoy it, and their food, they said. And after we were given the tour of their place, and the llama wool merchandise, the food came out. It was enjoyable; they had been true to their word, in more than one way. We ate our empanadas and our milanesa with salad, Katie did not have more than one e mpanada and coca tea because she had filled up on cookies. We humored their attention with digital photos and purchasing llama woven hats and scarves.





Sure, I thought Ill buy a stupid cap, theyre only five bucks. I grabbed one and would later stuff it into the glove compartment. As the flan was brought out Milton asked his father if he could show us the way to the viaduct and without hesitation his father conceded to his sons wishes and sent his two sons with complete strangers. With the two in the back seat with Katie, he headed towards the viaduct and laughed and talked about their isolation and otherwise enjoyed each others company.





An hour round trip ended as we drove through pools of water and mud and bragged about how much our friends back home would love the fact that we were roughing it and splashing in this fiat.






We returned Milton and Ronaldo safe and sound back to their home and we promised to send our photos to the address they gave us. It was growing late so we had to press on. Doubling back on our route into town is where the slowly growing climatic music would begin.

Go right here, right I told Ben to split off from our route home and to head towards the mountain pass that led to Cachi. We nearly missed the turn off because the road melted into the dirt fields on either side. Ben soon grew tired of swerving around the rocks in the middle of the road and asked to switch drivers. I volunteered seeing as how I wanted to have my third manual driving experience in the altiplanos of northwest Argentina. With the clouds growing darker and the road ahead growing higher I thought for the final time to myself to ask if this were a good idea or not. After taking photos of the sheep on the side of the road running towards their adobe pueblo I decided that it was a good idea, what better way was there to experience the valleys of Salta.




You do know how to change a flat tire, right? Ben asked me.

Ummm no. I laughed and shifted the car into gear and headed right for the grey hills. At first, a little scared of the poor conditions and the steep drop off without a railing, I took it slowly. Honking around every turn, its safe, I thought, but out loud I stated, Whats the point? We havent seen another car on this road. We probably wont even run across another either.





I took a sharp right and swerved from a rock. We entered the pass which was filled with empty wine bottles. I guess this was the place to get drunk, it was also the point in the melodramatic plot that the camera would scan out from the winding car and with the menacing clouds pushing down on the hill and the screen would grow dark. I stalled the car shifting gears down, and I got stuck in a rut. Ben took the wheel again and rolled back down and then back up the hill we went.

Hey, take some pictures of the snow, Ben said as Katie leaned forward to get a picture of the accumulating flurries ahead through the windshield.





Damn its cold, I said, and the snow only got stronger.

Yeah, and great, all we need is inclimate weather now, Ben sarcastically replied and we wound further up the road. It was when we couldnt see the mountains surrounding us that we were supposed to have the most amazing view crossing Abra Acay, the highest pass in the area* at just under 5,000 meters.





Arla pulled to the side of the road and we jumped out into the snow to take pictures to remember the cold and the height, shivering in our t-shirts and Katies sandals we didnt realize that we wouldnt need any help remembering these two elements later.




We were 45 km from San Antonio de los Cobres, 45 km from the next town, La Poma, where hopefully we would eat, and we were 5 km up in the sky.






As quickly as we could, we jumped into the car from outside, turned up the heat and began our decent. As Ben drove through the snow that now covered the entire road, he said, Good thing we switched drivers.

Yeah, I thought to myself or else wed probably now be stranded in the rain down before the pass. It became where we couldnt see the turns ahead, Damn wed better go down quickly, back to where we can see the road. I wanted Ben to hurry, but I wanted Ben to slow down too.




Around one downward angle we turned in the blizzard and Arla slid along the snow. Dave Matthews was singing to us from our speakers and I leaned forward trying to get some heat from the vents, and then we hit it. It wasnt a large rock, but the thump was felt as the back right side of Arla lifted, the car stalled and Ben slammed on his break around the sharp U turn ahead. We coasted and he stopped. Three times he attempted to restart Arla, three times she told him no. It was silent, really silent. A wind blew the dropping snow against our car, Katie began to freak out and then I followed along after the car wouldnt move again. It was not possible to believe this. We didnt know what happened, the engine was not dead as the wipers were still working, but they remained the only sound as we just stared ahead into white, and then down at Arla, mouths open, wondering what she did to us.

No way. No way! Ben said and we got out of the dead car. Alright, lets push it and try to start up the engine. Katie, in her sandals, was on one side of the car and I was on the other. A blue fluid leaked onto the snow. The engine made the worst sound we could hear at this point: nothing

I think its leaking gas, Katie screamed while looking at brown spots on the snow and as the car stopped on the side of the road.

No way Ben and I said in unison, looking at the snow, still in complete awe. I dont know much about cars. In fact, I know pretty much only that you need a key to start it, but I was sure that we were not leaking fuel. The snow collected on my hair and we stared at Arlas misdeed, none of us with a clue of what to do. Realizing there must be something useful in the trunk we opened it and pulled out a bag of items. It was getting way too cold and we jumped into the car. That is when I saw the flat tire. The tire wasnt just flat, it was squished, squished like or fates. This upsetting information made wiping the snow from our heads and feet in the car more enjoyable, we shivered and began to look through our goodie bag.

In times like these I recall its just as important to remain calm and optimistic and that I did. Inside, I was as scared as a little white boy in a t-shirt caught in a blizzard a marathon away from civilization and angry at myself for being completely naive, but outside I tried to remain as cool as it was outside of the car.

How much water do we have? was Bens first question making us realize we might actually have a larger problem than we had expected.

We all have a little Katie said and suddenly I felt embarrassed that I ate the last of the cookies, we had no food, and I saw the empty bag down by my numb feet. It was 7:25pm and the already darkened clouds grew opaque. Whilst contemplating aloud what to do, I took the first step by putting together the reflecting triangles. So that any car from either direction could see them we placed them on top of the car and in the middle of the road. But good luck, our best chance was to wait for someone to drive by and to take us to whatever the next town was. I remained very optimistic, but the truth remained, no one would be as stupid as us and drive up into a blizzard as the sun was setting. It stayed unsaid but we were all expecting very little. It was fear that kept us utterly silent and the harsh cold that had kept us from not moving. Katie suggested that we all move to the back seat and keep warm. After Ben tried to start the car one more time, we hopelessly relented and moved to the back and huddled. That hardly kept us warm. To remind myself of my llama hat in the glove compartment at that point would have been to be too smart. We shivered. We prayed. As I looked down at my watch I realized the first hour had passed quickly, and dark, but the rest would go by real slow. I promised myself to not look at my watch until morning.

While there was still just a little bit of light, Ben and Katie read aloud the latest psalms Ben had been reading, 9-16. This gave me a relief in a way it shouldnt have. Reading the Bible did not strike me with warmth of Gods salvation, the frigid air was still there leaking through the windows we cracked down to breathe. No, reading the Bible told me that God was with other people at that moment. But I realized that there were indeed others around the world that night in far worse positions than me. There were those who had to deal with this starvation every night, there were those who might be throwing up as Ben was, not because of extreme mountain sickness, but because their diseases were fatal and there were others in the world praying to God at that same moment we were. I prayed for them that night, I wanted God to be somewhere else, for others sakes

When I found my hat, it gave me a little chance for a smile. But with Ben having trouble breathing from the elevation and Katie taking my socks for her feet, there was little else to smile about.

How you doing, Ben? Katie asked.

He replied with both a blunt and pointed, Not good at all.

Neither am I, said Katie followed by a; Chris?

Im fine, I said and I rolled my cap over my eyes and tried to fall asleep. But it was way too hard, heavy breathing, snow falling and disappearing light led my mind in a hundred and six different directions. What are we going to do tomorrow? What are we going to do tonight? Are no cars passing? When will the snow stop? What if it doesnt stop? Should we go back where we came from? Should we head to a city weve never seen? Why cant I feel my lower back? And we all were thinking, how did we get so stupid? I wondered if Ben needed medical attention, if Katie needed to go to the bathroom in only socks. Of course we couldnt rest and as long as our eyes remained open we could see the snow piling up; maybe it was time to pray to God for myself.

Although we slept on and off, no one could sleep for more than minutes at a time, if we werent huddled it was too cold, if we huddled we were in such uncomfortable positions. But we didnt care, elbows jabbing each other, chins pressed on backs, body parts going numb, faces in bosoms, none of us had brushed our teeth.





My head throbbed with pain. If I wanted to breathe, I had to roll down the window. We all went through the same crazy and continuous dreams that night, they were the kinds that although interrupted, continued and felt so real even when you woke up. Ben kept seeing and hearing cars pass, Katie bought a coke from some guy and then realized that she forgot to ask him to help us out. Apparently for me there was a village down the road and they were real nice people, they didnt have a phone but they did have a tire shop. So we had that going for us.



The sun rose at 7:15, almost a full half day later, and it peaked out from some clouds. The good news was that it had stopped snowing during the night, I dont know if I dreamed that or if I saw it during the night, but the skies had cleared and we could see outside. Unfortunately there were no tire tracks along side of out car, only body liquids. There was about to be more as I had held myself in since the previous afternoon. The closest town was about 27 miles away I kept reminding myself, we were in shorts and there was snow outside and inside. Do we wait it out and risk no one coming by? No, I could not let that happen, we could not stay another night, with no food and only snow for water, it could not be, and then wed have to make the same decision the next day, only weaker. Unfortunately, Ben was too sick to move, let alone do a 9 hour walk. I dont even know if I would be fit to do that in top shape. And then what happens?





Our car is in the mountain, its 6pm and were in a town we know nothing about? We were a 5 hour drive from Salta and the car dealership. Needless to say we sat around for a bit to think it out. At 8am, we braved it out and went outside to change the tire.





Forget how cold it was, we were weak. Ben couldnt unscrew the bolts so we just kicked the hubcap off, then we finally got the tire off, it had a gash the size of a half dollar. There was no way to repair it. But when we finally got the spare on and tried the engine, it didnt work, again. So again we sat, helpless and afraid.

Instead of walking down 45 km we decided to put the car in neutral and roll it as far as we could.






That worked for about one fourth of a kilometer, and then we stopped. It was beautiful around us; I guess we could have picked an uglier place to get stranded. Huge glistening mountains reflected from the suns morning glows, rolling white fields and vicunas eating in a herd.





At least from pushing the car we warmed up a bit. Ben decided to collect snow in his nalgene for water and I did too. Then, with enough strength we managed to get the car up the slope and get it rolling. After a kilometer we were out of the snow, what out luck, we could have been there the night before. Arla rolled another four kilometer before we finally reached an uphill battle we couldnt win.





Although we had managed to push Arla into warmer weather and through streams and over rocks, we had to call it quits still forty kilometers from La Poma. We stopped outside of the adobe pueblo from my dream. They didnt have a phone, a car or even a horse for that matter and unfortunately they didnt have a tire repair shop either. With Arla dead on the side of the road all we could do was walk. So, towards La Poma we went. We didnt get yet two kilometers and I saw others!

There walking down the road, although I didnt know it at the time was a miracle, divine intervention, Ben's father's prayer for the safety of his son earlier that morning coming to life. Walking along the road were two tourists from Spain and seven locals walking down the road, clearing rocks, their vehicles parked behind them. We stopped to talk and found out that the Spaniards had taken the same route we had the previous night and had had to sleep farther down, because of the rain, there were rivers that couldnt be crossed. They recommended us to turn around. No way. No way! Not up hill I thought, not up another 1,000meters. Not only is that three sears towers but its an added 2 hour walk. But, when they said something of coming with them, my ears perked. The lo cals had room in their trunk. We jumped at the idea. I was incredibly grateful and walked ahead and helped move rocks. We hopped into their truck until we got back to our own car. They wanted to look and see what was wrong.





The car wouldnt start for them. They looked at the engine with confused looks. I heard one say, This is different, and they fiddled with.






One looked under the car and said that indeed we had bumped something; he wanted a closer look, so all the guys lifted the car onto two rocks and our local pal slid underneath on a tarp and pulled out the tools. While he was working diligently we sat and watched and talked. Minutes later he yanked off a broken cover and said we broke the fuel filter and had indeed been leaking fuel.





We had lost the hose and the tank was no longer connected. Just great, we wondered how much this would cost us. He continued to work, pulled out a few more things, put some others in, and sent his coworker up to the pueblo to get something. He frowned his face once or twice went to back of his truck, got masking tape and unbelievably to everyone pulled out a hard plastic straw, cut it and taped it to something under the car. We all cracked up, but when he told Ben to turn on the car and on the second try it started, we werent laughing anymore. In complete shock we hoped the car back off the rocks and although we only had about a quarter tank or less left we coasted back to San Antonio de los Cobres.








We drove past where we had stayed the night, it was bright and most of the snow had melted. We worked our little engine that could up to the top of the pass where we found out that the empty wine bottles wer e to pledge the mother earth to guarantee a safe journey, for Pancha Mamas protection. It was ironic that we passed right by them on our way up and made sure to double our pleas on the way down.



After gas and dinner in town we head towards Salta by way of the original route with the Spaniard couple following us back to make sure nothing went wrong.





We got in at about six at night, thanked the couple, bought soccer tickets, trashed the broken parts from our car and returned to our hostel where they didnt know we were gone. The whole way home we cussed Arla out, saying how much she sucked but not saying it loud enough for her to hear and crap out again. We didnt play music, we didnt speed, we just went home and as Ben and I pulled into the rent-a-car lot, a day early because we had enough of renting cars, I proclaimed; Just fiat youll have a shitty time in a Fiat. We paid $195 pesos for a new tire, cap and realignment. We didnt tell them about the tape and the straw and wire holding together the bottom of their car. But we did eat at McDonalds that night.
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Maybe we could sled down the hill.- Katie in absolute sincerity.

I brought my dad home a stuffed armadillo from Ecuador because for some reason I thought my dad like armadillos. But he doesnt.- Katie.
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*Abra Acay, I would later find out, is the HIGHEST PASS IN THE WORLD. At over 5,000 meters high, it is the world's highest point over a National Route.